so i spoke a friend..

I decided to give a girlfriend a call, I haven't spoken to her in months. She was a doctor with me until she left to a different speciality 4 months back. I already miss her. I remember our long nights together, it was nice. It was nice covering with someone you like and get a long with, it makes the whole experience tolerable. At the moment I am considered the only female in the unit, and I already do not get along with my team, and everyone i liked has left, and the on call experience is lonely and stressful. She has left to a better place, to a better environment and she is enjoying it. I ask her about her pregnancy, and adore her courage and commitment. She is a strong woman. She gives me courage. I wouldn't tell anyone that I was pregnant until I had the miscarriage. I worked for long hours like everyone else. My resting heart rate was 120. I would get abdominal cramps. I would tolerate. It was a mistake. a Big mistake. I paid the price. I should have said something. I should have been able to rest. I miss my baby. I miss what could have been. I am scared to go through this experience again. I disliked my team members so much that I did not feel it was worth to share that I was pregnant. I did not want anyone to know anything about me. I just isolated and closed myself in my own shell. I can't help it. I was due in april. At least it was something to look forward to, as everything else seems to be falling apart. Now I don't look forward to anything. I'm still lonely. I'm sad.
My friend has a child. She is a strong woman. She is strong to have coped with the hospital stress and her child. She wouldn't be able to see her son for the whole day whilst being on duty. These are the hospital rules. This is what we have to put up with. This is how we are treated in the arab world. This is pure inhumanity. This is the sick mentality. I say it out loud, and I say it without regrets, because I have worked elsewhere. I have worked in a more decent society, in a more respectable place for time, for your energy. I ask for strength. I ask for a clear mind. I ask for peace and calmness. I ask for forgiveness. I ask for courage.

sick of everything..

I'm sick of medicine, sick of my life, sick of my marriage and my future. I can't find peace anywhere. Everything is falling apart. I am falling apart. I am careless towards my patients, my self and my family. Imagine waking up everyday and living everday with nothing to look forward to! Imagine being married for only 3 months and thinking about divorce; at least I do not feel married, I did not even have a honeymoon! I am empty, I have no more to give, no more to offer. It's even tiring to write this but I have no where else to look for support. I haven't slept well in 6 weeks. I am having constant nightmares. I dream of death and blood a lot. I wake up unhappy, I sleep afraid. My mind is in constant engagement. I can't sit back and relax. I have had a recent miscarriage. I blame my job for it. I blame the hospital system for it. I am scared of the future. I am scared to not be able to have children. I'm scared not to be able to maintain a pregnancy from the environment I am in. I am scared not to be able to see my baby because I am on call. I have lost trust, I have lost faith.